Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Faith is understanding that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible. Hebrews is one of my favorite books in the Bible. I absolutely love reading how the Lord takes care of those who do what they are called to do. I can honestly say there are times that I know better and make the wrong choice because it made no sense to me at the time.
I'm a very "black or white" type of person. It's either one way or another, there's a right way and there's a wrong way. So when I'm being called to do something by anyone that is out of my comfort zone, I tend to hesitate. Don't get me wrong, I hear what the Lord wants me to do but then I tell him all the cons and why it's not a good idea, then I summarize what I'm not going to do and leave it at that and dismiss the situation. By doing this, I fail. I fail being the woman the Lord is molding me into, I fail having a testimony that brings glory to the Lord, but ultimately I fail trusting the Lord. Isn't the foundation of being a christian, faith? How can we have faith in eternal life if we can't have faith that the Lord will take care of us?
This blog does have a point, I promise.
It's 2006, I'm at the doctor's office where he tells me the chances of having another child is unfavorable. I was devastated. I don't know if I was devastated at the fact that we couldn't have anymore children or the fact that we didn't get to decide if WE didn't want to have anymore children. (does that make sense)? In the Bible, women were punished by being barren. Husband's slept with their servants in order to have children if their wives were infertile (Not that we have a maid, but you get the point). We had 1 child, Zachary who was almost 2 years old at the time. I started to despise the question "When are y'all going to have more children"? "Zachary wants someone to play with", "You don't want your children too far apart". I know people didn't make comments intentionally to hurt, but being sensitive enough to the issue and hearing the comments stung. It was late 2007 that I finally made peace with this issue. As many times, the Lord comforted me but this time I felt him holding me telling me he would take care of me. That's when I finally had faith that I wanted what the Lord wanted. I was OK with having 1 child. Zachary is such a blessing and he brings us so much joy. What's wrong with having 1 child to love unconditionally? April 2008 I go back for a followup where the Dr gives me 2 options: option 1: if we wanted more children opt for fertility treatments or option 2: keep on taking my daily medication until loss of effectiveness then do a hysterectomy. 2 lousy options if you ask me. We chose for me to stay on the medication (for my health) and left the rest in God's hands.
March 25, 2009 we had a baby boy.
It was faith that got me through this. It was the fact that I gave up what I wanted and wanted what the Lord wanted the most, me to trust him, to give him complete control. To be OK with his decision to the point where I changed mine.
Today, I'm not so "black and white" anymore (I still have my moments). I don't know what my next move in life is going to be. I don't even know what I'm cooking for dinner tonight. I do know that it's better not to know. I truly feel like weight has been lifted off my shoulders once I gave up being in control of everything. I absolutely love the life the Lord has blessed me with. So much so that I can't imagine a better one. It reminds me that he knows us better than we know ourselves. The best thing about living by faith is you don't have to know where you're going, just as long as you know who's leading you.
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